Monday, July 13, 2009

The Amazing Adventures of Jordan White

Here, in it's most interesting points, is a chronicling of my descent into madness over the past few weeks. There will be a return to my regular, more boring kind of blogging soon.

Day One: 6/30/09
After a night out at the bar, my alarm woke me up at nine o'clock and I prepared to drive to Arizona in one 28 hour shot. By prepared, I mean that Lindsay made some sandwiches and I bought a mini-keg of Oberon because it's impossible to find in the southwest. Kilby and I passed the time mostly by making fun of everyone and everything we saw, discussing religion and imagining possible alternative methods for transporting hazardous chemicals, you know, besides putting some sped-up truck driver behind the wheel of a million gallon tanker of jet fuel. We thought that missiles would be the safest mode of transportation, if only the human race had invented tractor beams. We switched drivers at the end of every tank of gas, and I fell asleep at four in the morning in the last 20 miles of Texas.

Day Two: 7/01/09
I woke up at 90 miles an hour in New Mexico just in time to watch the sunrise. I played Weird Al Yankovic's "Albuquerque" as we passed through the city of the same name. Once in Arizona, Kilby and I coincidentally stopped at a gas station that I'd been to once before while on vacation with my parents seven years ago. They sell swords and bongs, and I bought neither. I think the strangest thing I can say about a 28 hour car ride is that it really isn't that big of a deal, once you've committed yourself to the idea that it will never, ever, end. We got to Joe's at noon Arizona time and started drinking immediately. In eight hours I consumed every form of alcohol except for gin, and in the process my wallet was either lost or stolen. Before we discovered my missing wallet, we had a belly smacker contest to prove our manliness.

Day Three: 7/02/09
The loss of my wallet took a massive toll on Joe, whose inability to accept the fact that we couldn't go out to the bar was nothing short of astounding. After my mom wired me some money, we spent most of the day drinking in the air conditioning and playing Wii bowling. Oberon, brass monkeys, a twelve pack of Sessions, and Keystone Light. I passed out on the couch with my head back like Homer Simpson.

Day Four: 7/03/09
For some insane reason we woke up at nine in the morning to play basketball in the hundred degree heat. Kilby and I were forced to create a truce in which neither of us would leave the shaded area of the court, and we still stopped for water every minute or so. After that, a tubing trip down the river was cancelled due to an overwhelming police presence that would have made drinking impossible. At the bar I offered to pinky promise a waitress that I was 21, but she wasn't amused. We drank in a few different pools with some good people, Joe and Kilby boxed underwater, and I blacked out in the bar that Joe's friend Dan worked at. I hope I didn't embarrass him.

Day Five: 7/04/09
The fourth of July. I celebrated this holiday in the most patriotic way possible: miserably hung over watching Kilby become a Pro at Wii boxing. We were supposed to watch Jaws projected onto the side of a house while in a pool, but instead we watched Space Buddies, Zombie Strippers, Dance of the Dead and Snow Buddies, in Joe's apartment. They were fantastic movies, all around. All that you need to know is that "Make like a bread truck and haul buns" was a joke featured in both Space Buddies and Zombie Strippers. I was overjoyed.

Day Six: 7/05/09
I decided I wanted to do something in Arizona besides drink inside, so it was on this day that I decided to climb a mountain. After a round of disc golf that was almost too intense to begin with, I thought a nice hike through the desert would be the pick-me-up I needed. Unfortunately, this was no hill, no nature path, no family outing. This was a goddamn mountain, and at 5/8 of a mile up, I began to fantasize about my own heatstroke induced death atop the picturesque monstrosity. When the path disappeared and a real threat of getting lost presented itself, Kilby and I turned around, and by the time we got back to the car our water was as hot as coffee. I felt like a cartoon character doing silly walks down the awful stairs near the foot of the mountain. That night I had Vegas rolls and got drunk on sake bombs, courtesy of Danny Rockhey's not needing to see my ID. This marks the last day I was hydrated in Arizona.

Day Seven: 7/06/09
Last day in Arizona. One of Joe's friends woke us up at ten and drove us around for a few hours. Something I should mention at this point is that Arizona is far more interesting to look at than Michigan, mostly because there are constantly mountains in the backdrop. When Joe got home from school we headed to Phoenix for the Deer Tick show, and you've got to love a band that travels around the country in a short bus. Kilby and I had "Talk on Indolence" stuck in our heads and wished that we could watch The Avett Brothers instead. In fact, as of this writing, we still do.

Day Eight: 7/07/09
Back on the road, ready for part two of this insane cross country ride. Kilby and I got involved in a conversation via written signs with two girls in the car next to us on the freeway, and after a little back and forth they smoked us down outside of a gas station in New Mexico. They were on their way to Texas to party and Kilby bought them Popsicles. I was wearing my wizard shirt. Kilby drove for ten hours and I was so tired by the time I took the wheel that I had to pull my own hair to stay awake until I drank a Red Bull. Fell asleep at six a.m. in Oklahoma, not while driving.

Day Nine: 7/08/09
Vacations are fun but at this point, as we drove through Missouri and Illinois and Indiana for what seemed like an eternity, I just wanted to get home to my girlfriend and my dog. I got home at six thirty and we were alone for approximately two hours before Lindsay's mom and nephews arrived. We played Brawl and ate the Cheetos out of the big value bag that Lindsay got the kids for their trip to Michigan's Adventure.

Day Ten: 7/09/09
Michigan's Adventure was just about as sweet as you'd think. Cool roller coasters, badass water park, overpriced everything, and one amazingly massive funnel that you can ride down on a four-man tube. Aside from hiccups in the plan that are customary with little kids and a large group, the whole day was really great. Oh, except for the fact that on the way back my front axle snapped, which shattered my ball joint, broke my control arm, and all in all bent the holy fuck out of the front right side of my car. After running down the side of the highway in my flip flops to read the exit number we were nearest, I called a tow truck and had to pay full price because my AAA card was in my wallet, which was probably in a landfill in Arizona at the time. Lindsay and I were forced to call Kilby for a ride, and he spent another three hours in a car driving to and from Muskegon. We waited for him in a bar, where I couldn't have a beer because I didn't have any ID.

So, in the end, my wallet is lost, my car is broken, and I'm back washing dishes in Michigan.
I'm not sure how to say in a non-cliche, non-cheesy way that I don't care, and that the things I need are not material possessions, and that I'm young and it's summer and I'm in love, but that's how I feel. I'm so fucking zen.
When I was talking to my dad about my trip to Arizona immediately followed by a full day at an amusement park, he laughed and said, "It must be good to be Jordan."
And it is.


  1. Yes. To imagine these things might happen while you're traveling...they seem like nightmares, but we get through them and we're better people for it! They also make great stories and great memories! Glad you didn't let the problems ruin your trip.

  2. Actually, I see every single terrible experience as a great story that will soon be the past, and thusly not a big deal.
    Really, nothing is that big of a deal in the big scheme of things.
    Thanks for reading, Kristin.

  3. Laughing out loud.

    I'm so happy you can laugh at your trip, and feel "so fucking zen". It's so important.

    If I didn't laugh at my life, and realize that every terrible experience makes for an amusing story, I'd cry all the time. HAHA!

    ECC reunion! BE THERE!